I'm 19 years old and bisexual. I'm currently doing temp work in and around Basing stoke and play in one of the local orchestras in my spare time.

I first realised I might be gay or bi when I started my second year of sixth form. I'd just turned 17. In one of my classes there was a girl who had always stood out to me and it became apparent I felt more than friendship for her. I hadn't really noticed how strong my feelings for her had become until one day when I overheard her talking about this bloke she liked, my stomach jumped. Reality hit and for the first time I knew my feelings were genuine. To this day I haven't told her, and I don't think I ever will, about how wonderful she is and how much I looked forward to seeing her each day.

As time went on I began to realise that the girl at college may not have been just a passing fad after all. I could be quite happily walking down the street looking at women. "You're looking at the wrong sex" did float across my mind a couple of times and my confusion bubble began to grow. It wasn't that I thought it was wrong to look at women in the same way as men, I've always supported homosexuality, it was just I couldn't believe it was actually happening.

 

Thoughts like "am I, aren't I?" and "is this just a passing phase??" were constantly going through my head every waking moment of the day. I used to get so confused I'd cry, I just wanted to know, "was I gay??" My thoughts continued like this for nearly a year. It was the most confusing time I've ever had but I realised its not a decision you make for yourself. It just happens.

Up until this time, I hadn't actually told anyone how I'd been feeling. I needed to talk to someone. Continuous repetition of the same material inside your head doesn't get you anywhere and I'd decided it was time I got it out of my system. Late one night at the end of a telephone conversation, I asked one of my closest friends if it was natural to go through a bisexual phase. She said yes.

The major breakthrough came when I was talking to one of my other friends. She can read me like a book, and although I didn't think I'd been that obvious about my feelings, she knew exactly what was wrong. When one day she said "you're questioning your sexuality aren't you?" I nearly hugged her. It was such a relief that someone else knew and believed me. It was a fantastic feeling. I told her my entire story and she listened, not judging or uttering a single word. Being able to talk about it openly for the first time, took the weight of ten grand pianos off my shoulders. She already knew my sexuality before I did, and had talked to a gay mate on the LGB at university. He gave her a pack of information containing information, contact numbers, coming out stories, leaflets, and a rainbow ribbon, symbolising Freedom and Equality for Lesbians, Gays and Bisexuals.

It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to ring one of the numbers. On my 3rd attempt I finally made it. Adrenaline pumping I rang the London LGB Switchboard. They gave me details of youth groups in the Basingstoke area, including the one for Freedom Youth, and said I could ring back if I had any other questions regarding relationships, sex, or just a need to talk to someone.

A week later I got in contact with Freedom Youth and have been going for about six months. I have made a lot of friends and it has helped me to acknowledge my feelings about my bisexuality. I will never forget the day I accepted I wasn't straight. For the first time in my life I fitted. I'd finally found my niche in life and I wanted to go up to the girl I liked and kiss her. Unknowingly, she'd helped me to discover who I was and I wanted to thank her for it.

Coming out is scary. Although people are beginning to loose their prejudices towards homosexuality, there is still a considerable amount of misconception about it. For example if I had come out at college and told someone I wa bi, they'd probably have thought I was going to leap on them or the first person I saw. The group of people I hung around with were very homophobic, and as far as I know, the college had no groups for gay or bi people unlike other colleges in the area. At the present time I've only told my closest friends and I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to tell my parents.

Whilst I was coming out, it was invaluable knowing my friends were there to talk to. I feel very lucky to know them and don't know what I would have done without them. If you're reading this and unsure of you're sexuality, or coming out yourself, then don't be worried about how you feel. It's natural and there's always someone friendly just around the corner to talk to. I wish you luck in the future and hope my experience has been of some use to you.