My name is Mark and I am a former QMC student. Where do I start?? First I wish to say that NO-ONE really knows, and that's the way I wish to keep it, especially my parents. This may seem very harsh, and it is as I get on with them really well. However, I can't think of the words to use, or how I would say them. Mainly because they have strong views on the subject, which at times they make known. Therefore, I think it would be a real shock to them, so I keep quiet.

I have a younger brother and sister, and as the eldest there is always an expectation to conform and set a good example to your younger siblings.

I have thought for a long time that something was different about me compared to my friends. As I have distinct memories of looking at other boys when swimming at junior school. At the time I thought it was a normal thing for boys to do, but its not until recently that I've realised its not.

 

Throughout my entire secondary school education I was fascinated by other boys. I can't say I fancied them, because I didn't know how that felt. At the same time I had many so called girl friends, but really they were just friends who were girls! I could never get physically involved with them, because it just didn't feel right.

At QMC I had a steady relationship with a girl for 1 and a half years, and at the time I really enjoyed it, and I thought I loved her. But not for her gender, it must have been her personality. To be honest, it's only a relationship I got into because of pressure from my friends, and it was the thing to be seen doing.

I tormented myself at University, I never went out with anyone, but regularly "got off" with girls in clubs. I only really did this because there was so much pressure to conform, and it was the done thing. Also, I was so worried about fitting in, and being acceptable, that I would quite happily pretend to be someone whom I wasn't

I had many opportunities to go out with girls, but I always found an excuse for why I couldn't. And it was while I was going through this that I admitted to myself that I was gay. At the same time I really fancied other blokes from my course, and from my kitchen group. I used to really enjoy being with them, and looking at them, I guess I was falling for them in a big way.

There was no way I could tell anyone, because I felt there was such a stigma attached to being gay, and it was something which was so unacceptable in today's society. Plus, if you come out, think of the ridicule. Everyone has heard of the jokes, lets face it most of us have done it!

I knew of lesbian and gay groups and pubs in my university town, but there was no way I was going along because I had a very stereotyped idea of what a gay was, how they acted and what they looked like. And I am none of this. In fact, I am so straight acting that none of my friends have guessed, or even really joked that I might be gay.

One night at a party (when I was in my final year at the age of 22) I was talking to one of my mates gay friends. I didn't really know him, but most of my friends know about him, and considered him some sort of freak. He was just a 'fashionable person to know', because you could talk about your 'gay friend' down the pub. But he wasn't really a fiend. Plus it was because of people's reactions to him, that I kept quiet.

I was really pissed, and very depressed, because I was longing for a relationship with another guy, but it was out of my reach. I just came out to him without really thinking about what I was saying.

At the time I was just so relieved . . . I have admitted it . . . I said it "I AM GAY'. I felt so good, a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders.

I could talk to him about what it was all about, I could ask questions I had never asked before. The best thing about it was realising that three are loads of other people out there just like me. Who feel the same, and are going through the same experiences.

Looking back now I took a huge risk telling someone I didn't really know, there's no telling who he might have told. My life could have turned into a real mess. But now we are close friends, and quite regularly meet up in secret for beer nights.

At my current stage, only three of my closest friends, and my sister know that I am gay. Telling each of them was a very difficult, stressful experience, but I'm glad I've done it. Sometimes I feel that I want to tell the world, and other times I hate myself for telling the few that I have. All of them promised they would never tell anyone, and that they wouldn't act any differently towards me.

I have also had the opportunity to meet other gay people in Basingstoke, and try some of the gay pubs on the 'scene'. Some are slightly camp, and others are dead straight, just like me.

Finally, I still feel that being gay is such an unacceptable way of life within my circle of friends, particularly now I have my first full time job, as I have to be respectable and responsible. I don't think people would respect me if they really knew who I was, thus I have chosen to keep it a secret. This has its advantages and disadvantages, in that I don't get any hassle, but at the same time I am not meeting potential future boyfriends.

If I could change anything about my life now, I wish that I'd told my close friends earlier, and made an effort to get on the scene, as I wouldn't feel now that I have wasted so much of my life.